fears for the future.

          The final full week of learning in Family160. This week we are learning a lot about marriage. We talked about divorce and the rates of divorce as it increases and stabilizes over time. I dont really know how i feel about divorce. i think it is so sad. to think you found the person that you want to be with for the rest of your life only to find out you were wrong and have to make the decision to live on your own again. Its so sad. But i think that there are times when it is okay to end things. The Prophet does say that if two people are living the gospel and making good choices, it doesn't matter who the person is, you can have a good and successful marriage. But when one person is not doing what they should, and not following the commandments, i cant help but think it would be better to end it, then to let them drag you down. But that being said i know that people take marriage way too lightly. i mean look at all the marriages that take about 3 months for courtship and even less time to realize they didn't want to be married anymore. People forget the importance of courtship and just get swept away in the idea of it. they are forgetting the important task courtship does. it helps you find out if the person is the RIGHT one. the one that meets all the requirements that you want in a future spouse. BYUI is full of people dying to get married, and this can lead to a lot of issues in the future.
            But its not just mormons. people are getting way to wedding happy. and i think it is because they know that there is a way out. divorce is so easily assessed so they feel like its not such a huge commitment.
         
           Then we talked about the idea of blending families. getting married after a divorce when you have kids and stuff. Brother Williams is a part of a blended family. He married a divorce wife (adorable by the way- she came into class to answer questions) with two kids so he had a lot of insight about our questions. Its amazing how different the structure of a family changes as families blend together. But the idea of "blending" is a wonderful thing to me. to mix families together so much to where the separate parts cant be pulled apart. Brother williams said that it takes 2 years for families to get back to normalcy. and that the step parent should be more like an uncle and the birth parent should be more like the disciplinary system. I have so many friends who are a part of divorced parents and have blended families and also friends whose divorced parents have not met another to remarry. and i think that remarrying is good for the kids and the parent as long as the step parent is the right one. as a family structure it is so important to have two parents and it eases the tension of responsibility on the older children.
The structure of a family is so sensitive and every factor plays into the overall feeling and working system of the family. i cant imagine what it would be like to live with a family other then the always same family that i have now.
     It worries me to know that the decisions of who i date will decide the structure of my family in the future. i want to make sure that i take my time when i meet my future husband and that we dont rush into things but go into the marriage for life. not till divorce is the choice or till we get tired of each other. but forever. Because if i have learned anything from these lessons, it is that divorce is messy. and blending families is stressful hard and sometimes messy. I want to make it simple. I fear it will be hard, but i know that if i have the Lord, any decision i make will be in my best interest and everything will happen for a reason. dont rush, just breath and trust myself. and the lord.

and the kitchen timer is up.

So this week we learned a lot of great stuff.
But i really feel like the most important thing was what we talked about on Wednesday.
We were talking about when it was right to have children and when it was right to wait.
I must admit i was only partially listening to the lesson because my mind was somewhere else stressing about finals and all the things i needed to be doing, so i wasn't really doing that well of a job.. but then i over heard something that really bugged me.

They were talking about how you shouldn't wait to have kids. i was thinking in my head.. "who the heck's business is it to say when you should have kids or not?!" people in the class were saying dont wait because thats what we were sent down here to do. procreate. Thats why we are married is to raise children. And listening to this just frustrated me so much.

There is no need to rush things. being up here at BYUI there is so much pressure to do everything so fast. So much pressure to move to the next stage of life and the next one right after that. Its scary and a little annoying. Before we can add someone else into our lives, like a husband or a wife, we have to live a life that prepares us to be a good spouse. Go through experiences that make us into worthy temple recommend holders, that makes us strong enough to withstand the trials that arise through mariage and the responsibilities of growing up. YOU have to grow up. so that is why you need to wait to get married until you are ready. not when other people are ready or when they say you should be ready, but when you feel it in your heart that you are enough of a self driven person, that you can add someone into your life and not lose yourself.

the same goes for having a baby. it is such a huge responsibility raising a child. because it is not your own. it is heavenly fathers. and he is placing his trust in you to raise the child right. to care for him or her. to teach him or her and to love him or her whenever they need it. And to do all of this, you must be in the right place in your life to provide it all. You cant be so swamped in college that you wont be able to finish your degree or you wont be able to watch your child all the time. you cant be working from morning to night to make rent and stress about who is going to watch the kid all the time. You cant be in the middle of deciding where you are going to live and what you are going to do with your life and then decide to add another life onto that. Its unhealthy. become stable. become responsible. become ready. its just like food. you cant take it out just because you are hungry right then. its still not going to be ready. sure you can put it in the microwave, maybe be willing to eat it a little raw or a little cold. but whats the good in that? wait late.. its burned or soggy while sitting out. either way, its not good to wait too long or take it out too early. You gotta set the timer for perfection and wait it out. let it cook to the perfect temperature so that when you cut it open, it seeps steam and the smell is so good it makes your mouth water. and eating it is the best thing ever. thats what parenthood should be like. the best thing ever.
So its okay to wait. Not forever, because then that would be a mistake. dont put it off for selfish reasons or just because. Put it off only if you know and you know your heavenly father knows, that you are doing it so that when you can have a child, you can be the best parent you can be. to raise the child the best way you know how and in the way your heavenly father wants you to.
so to all those people that pressure you to have kids. i say stop listening. because in the end, when they are crying and wondering what went wrong, you can sit back and know that you made the right decision for you.

An Eye of Gratitude

This week was Thanksgiving weekend. It was honestly such a wonderful weekend. so great to come home and be with with the family. Being away from them for so long make me really appreciate all that my parents do for me.
this class is all about families and the family structure and i cant tell you how much i look at my family differently. Like every bond that we have, every communication skill that we have, all the ways we show affection and the things we do with others in our family makes me realize the reasons why we do things and how my family seemingly perfectly common, is in fact completely different from any others.
I think that because i had to write a paper on the value of fatherhood in the family, i was observing my dad a little more then usual. It was remarkable the love i acquired for him the more i looked at what he did for me and my family. Fatherhood is honestly such an important part of the family system. Its so wonderful to watch my dad support us financially and put so much pressure on himself to make us feel the security that money, home, and material things can bring to us. He gives his whole day over and over again to do whatever he has to do to make us happy and able to live the lifestyle we love. He is so selfless that it takes my breath away. And then to have him come home, help mom with household things, and then still have time to show his love for my siblings and me is the best feeling ever.
I love when i can go up to my dad and have him rub my back or my hair as i lay on his lap and watch tv with him. making him laugh is one of my favorite things. He is so funny and so understanding and easy going. I just love him so much and this paper and this weekend really made me realize it.
i am so blessed to have the father that i do. to have the mother that i do. I know that if i had anyone different, i would not be the person who i am today.
Thanksgiving is a time to be grateful. A lot of time i look at the things my life lacks. but i want to start looking at my life with an eye of Gratitude. To look at all the things that i have to be grateful for. the life and the family that my parents have made for me. and have given their whole life to create for me.
I love them so much and i love my siblings and i feel blessed this holiday to be privileged enough to feel that love.
This was a good thanksgiving. obviously. i have a lot to be thankful for.

Super Powers

This week we talked a lot about the power that can arise in a relationship. Monday we talked about communication and the power that we can have if we talk to each other. I usually dont have a problem with talking... but i do think that i have trouble expressing my feelings in a way that allows others to feel like they can voice their own opinions. i know that to make a relationship work, there has to be communication. But that doesn't just mean talking. i think it also takes a lot of listening. Listen to the way your partner says things. Their tone, their body language, and the words that they say. I can't wait till i have a relationship where i can understand what they are saying without him saying it. But the thing is, i guess i would want a relationship where i didn't have to find the underlying words, but instead, i would want him to tell me. to not fear me getting mad or hurting my feelings, but to be able to have a open and honest relationship.

Communicate so clearly so that we can not be misunderstood.

I am a very sarcastic person and sometimes i can come off mean and hurtful while all the while i am only making jokes. I really want to work on being better at using my words for kindness and really trying to be better at making sure that i am not misunderstood or my words aren't taken the wrong way. I want my words to demonstrate my thoughts and feelings. Relationships need communication. but it has to be the right communication to create the power to overcome the world and create a healthy relationship.

On wednesday, we talked about direct power of a certain party in the relationship and how we use that power. A lot of time, we rely on the other person for a lot of things. we want to make them happy and yet we need things from them. so we do things that they want. and we want them to do things for us. But how we use that power is how successful it will be. When we need things, it cant be things that are about "me". We should do things and want things that will benefit both parties in the relationship. Its what we want and how we approach the situation that will make it a success or not. Its not about criticizing or demanding, it should be brought about with love and kindess and then they will better respond and react to what you want. The scriptures says to speak with sharpness however thats not to jab and hurt but to use precise and direct words so as to keep confusion about what you are asking. We should also only mention things when the spirit prompts us to do so. that way we will know if it is beneficial to the relationship in order to create a celestial marriage.

Friday we talked about creating the power by combining our skills and ideas. communicating and combining knowledge will help us reach our highest potential. create a consensus on things to create the best answer between the two of you. But also include the Lord with your communication and what you should do through prayer and expressions of love. Communicate about things gives you additional information that you couldn't get from one mind or one heart. Both hearts are necessary to reach the correct answer. We become vulnerable, but by doing this, it unifies your spirits and gives you more power then any other skill.

Relationships are hard, but with communication, the right communication, we can reach a power that can overcome any obstacle. with faith and trust in the lord and love for your partner, anything is possible.

Trials Make Us Stronger

Crisis is defined as an event that will lead to or most likely force us to change. 

It expresses the idea that our old ways of coping just isnt going to work anymore. 

For the most part, i use to always think of a crisis as a terrible thing. as something that should be afraid of and scared to encounter. Its funny because when i think about, trials have only ever made me stronger. but i still hate them. i guess that is because when you are going through the trial, it is terrible and hard and not fun. but in the end, maybe way far in the end, it turns out okay. The Lord always says that he wont give us anything that we cant handle, but it is still scary to be pushed to our limits. 

Families experience a lot of trials throughout their development. How could they not? and no family is protected from this struggle nor should they be. because the truth is, crisis' are good for the family. going through the trial is a way for the family to build off of it. they adjust and make their family stronger and better and more efficient to handle the situation and other situations like it. I am not saying it will work every time, but for the most part we learn to change. there are many different theories and models to prove this point. dr. stresser, the roller coaster model, and the ABC models demonstrate the up and down movement of families and how in the end, it is up to the families and what they are willing to do, to decide the outcome of the struggles. 

Its important to be strong and instead of falling apart, they should bound together, rely on each other and make each other survive. We need to prepare the relationships ahead of time in order to withstand the difficult situations

I know that for me, i have seen many families experience a lot of pain such as a death of a family member, and they became better people because of it. stronger more worthy LDS and just better people all around.

The story about Brother Williams family was heartbreaking. there was not a sound in the classroom as he was teaching it. But he was also so inspiring. so strong and he was able to see the good and be grateful for the trial that took his brother away because he could see how much better his family is because of how they worked through such a difficult time. 

Its important to have resilience. we must fight against the pressure and bounce back much like a ball does due to the pressure. We experience many risk factors, something that makes crisis' happen more likely, and it is also important to avoid these things or think about if the activity is worth the risk or not. 

but luckily we have many protective factors that will help us overcome these difficult times and things that we can do to protect us from needing to face these things. I am so grateful for the gospel and for the strength it brings to my family. I will never wish for a crisis' or hope that we go through tough situations. but i know that if i do ever have to face one, i will be prepared and i will become stronger because of it and not crumble under the pressure. 

Mid term exam time

So this week we only had one class because our teacher went on a conference thing. so that was good! haha we got two days off! it stinks though because this class is in the middle of my other classes so i was going to have to be on campus anyways. but still i got to catch up on hw. and i got 100% on my test. so last week was good.

the test was all about the idea of same sex marriage and how to communicate with a person who does nto share the same beliefs as you. i think that living in california, i have learned to just keep my mouth shut. its better not to say anything then to fear offending someone. i mean lets face it, california is full of them. one wrong opinion and you will most likely offend them or their family or their friend or their neighbor or anyone else. its too hard. so therefore i dont say anything. But as i was taking the test, i couldn't help feeling dumb and chicken. why wouldn't i just say what i believe? there are so many ways to say it politely and with a tone that does not hurt the feelings of the other person. I should be confident enough and educated enough to be able to describe what i feel and why i feel that way.
so i am going to try and do better at that this week. im giving myself my own little assignment. ya know? my own little mid term test.
I think its kind of like sharing the gospel. everyone is free to believe what they want and many of times, they will not agree with what i have to say, but lets face it, if i dont share it, does that mean i am ashamed?? i dont know. but what i do know is that it sis essential to share what i believe and i hav learned that when you do, you become more aware of how you feel and more confident in what you believe in.
Having the holy ghost to help me should make me confident as well because the Lord will propt me what to say.

On monday we talked about marital sex. but im so childish about this stuff. i really dont do well with it. i guess that is why i am not married or even close to being married. lets face it. im not mature enough.
but thats fine. I will wait. but i know that when i do wait, it will be a wonderful and bonding experience and will make my relationship with my husband stronger. i cant wait to have that love and share the love and my whole self with the one person that will be mine for the rest of my life.. I guess waiting is another one of my tests. ugh mid terms

Expectations.

Ya know what... i dont really know how i feel about all this stuff. I like the idea of everything just coming together perfectly and blissfully and love being the thing that makes everything okay and when you find the right one, nothing else matters. but this class is just showing me that even after you find the one.. the problems never end. actually just the opposite. it gets worse! i mean i dont know. its weird. everything is so complex. so many different ways to love someone... so many different relationships that are necessary for a good and successful family.

and its so stressful too! dating is not just dating. I mean the way you date decides everything. The communication you have with your boyfriend now, affects the relationship of your eternal marriage! i mean come on! stressful. right?

I do like the idea of taking the big steps in a relationship and making sure that they are defined and clear. I was talking to my boyfriends brother and he said that there is no need to have a clear talk about being boyfriend and girlfriend or not. He said that it just happens. its a flow... a feeling. But this class made me realize that that is stupid. If he is too lazy or too unthoughtful to take the time to step out of the comfort zone and ask the simple question or make the questions answered, then he obviously doesnt understand the importance of being in a good relationship.

I loved wednesdays lesson and how we talked about the processes we should take while engaged. soooo many girls are obsessed with finding their perfect wedding. Pinterest is a disaster because all girls do is post all day about what they want. but think about it.. if your online picking your wedding dress.. when do you have time to find the guy to ask you to wear that wedding dress... its so silly. we should be focused more on how to make ourselves better and more on finding the right marriage instead of the right wedding.

Brother Williams says that we need to learn to rely on each other and become one, we need to be able to establish good problem solving skills, and making decisions together.
We made a list of what we want in a marriage and that we need to find a guy that we can talk about what we want with them so we know if they will make a good spouse.
What was scary to learn is what happens when we want kids. how drastically it changes the relationship and dynamics of the relationship. Its so simple yet so stressful. keep the bond strong with the spouse while still opening that bound to bring in the children.

The family system will always be changing i guess.. and the only thing we can do is adjust.
Moms need to open up the job of motherhood to let the dad help out as well.
communication and quality time is important.
Dont let go of the litte things like opening doors or appreciating the little things that our spouses do.
dont get too tired or too busy to make sure we are nurturing our relationship.

I want to find someone that i never get tired of building the relationship. I know i will have to work at it, but i want it to be enjoyable work. work that makes me smile and happy. I want to be a couple that gets stronger. no matter what gets thrown our way. Thats what i expect.