The final full week of learning in Family160. This week we are learning a lot about marriage. We talked about divorce and the rates of divorce as it increases and stabilizes over time. I dont really know how i feel about divorce. i think it is so sad. to think you found the person that you want to be with for the rest of your life only to find out you were wrong and have to make the decision to live on your own again. Its so sad. But i think that there are times when it is okay to end things. The Prophet does say that if two people are living the gospel and making good choices, it doesn't matter who the person is, you can have a good and successful marriage. But when one person is not doing what they should, and not following the commandments, i cant help but think it would be better to end it, then to let them drag you down. But that being said i know that people take marriage way too lightly. i mean look at all the marriages that take about 3 months for courtship and even less time to realize they didn't want to be married anymore. People forget the importance of courtship and just get swept away in the idea of it. they are forgetting the important task courtship does. it helps you find out if the person is the RIGHT one. the one that meets all the requirements that you want in a future spouse. BYUI is full of people dying to get married, and this can lead to a lot of issues in the future.
But its not just mormons. people are getting way to wedding happy. and i think it is because they know that there is a way out. divorce is so easily assessed so they feel like its not such a huge commitment.
Then we talked about the idea of blending families. getting married after a divorce when you have kids and stuff. Brother Williams is a part of a blended family. He married a divorce wife (adorable by the way- she came into class to answer questions) with two kids so he had a lot of insight about our questions. Its amazing how different the structure of a family changes as families blend together. But the idea of "blending" is a wonderful thing to me. to mix families together so much to where the separate parts cant be pulled apart. Brother williams said that it takes 2 years for families to get back to normalcy. and that the step parent should be more like an uncle and the birth parent should be more like the disciplinary system. I have so many friends who are a part of divorced parents and have blended families and also friends whose divorced parents have not met another to remarry. and i think that remarrying is good for the kids and the parent as long as the step parent is the right one. as a family structure it is so important to have two parents and it eases the tension of responsibility on the older children.
The structure of a family is so sensitive and every factor plays into the overall feeling and working system of the family. i cant imagine what it would be like to live with a family other then the always same family that i have now.
It worries me to know that the decisions of who i date will decide the structure of my family in the future. i want to make sure that i take my time when i meet my future husband and that we dont rush into things but go into the marriage for life. not till divorce is the choice or till we get tired of each other. but forever. Because if i have learned anything from these lessons, it is that divorce is messy. and blending families is stressful hard and sometimes messy. I want to make it simple. I fear it will be hard, but i know that if i have the Lord, any decision i make will be in my best interest and everything will happen for a reason. dont rush, just breath and trust myself. and the lord.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Sunday, December 2, 2012
and the kitchen timer is up.
So this week we learned a lot of great stuff.
But i really feel like the most important thing was what we talked about on Wednesday.
We were talking about when it was right to have children and when it was right to wait.
I must admit i was only partially listening to the lesson because my mind was somewhere else stressing about finals and all the things i needed to be doing, so i wasn't really doing that well of a job.. but then i over heard something that really bugged me.
They were talking about how you shouldn't wait to have kids. i was thinking in my head.. "who the heck's business is it to say when you should have kids or not?!" people in the class were saying dont wait because thats what we were sent down here to do. procreate. Thats why we are married is to raise children. And listening to this just frustrated me so much.
There is no need to rush things. being up here at BYUI there is so much pressure to do everything so fast. So much pressure to move to the next stage of life and the next one right after that. Its scary and a little annoying. Before we can add someone else into our lives, like a husband or a wife, we have to live a life that prepares us to be a good spouse. Go through experiences that make us into worthy temple recommend holders, that makes us strong enough to withstand the trials that arise through mariage and the responsibilities of growing up. YOU have to grow up. so that is why you need to wait to get married until you are ready. not when other people are ready or when they say you should be ready, but when you feel it in your heart that you are enough of a self driven person, that you can add someone into your life and not lose yourself.
the same goes for having a baby. it is such a huge responsibility raising a child. because it is not your own. it is heavenly fathers. and he is placing his trust in you to raise the child right. to care for him or her. to teach him or her and to love him or her whenever they need it. And to do all of this, you must be in the right place in your life to provide it all. You cant be so swamped in college that you wont be able to finish your degree or you wont be able to watch your child all the time. you cant be working from morning to night to make rent and stress about who is going to watch the kid all the time. You cant be in the middle of deciding where you are going to live and what you are going to do with your life and then decide to add another life onto that. Its unhealthy. become stable. become responsible. become ready. its just like food. you cant take it out just because you are hungry right then. its still not going to be ready. sure you can put it in the microwave, maybe be willing to eat it a little raw or a little cold. but whats the good in that? wait late.. its burned or soggy while sitting out. either way, its not good to wait too long or take it out too early. You gotta set the timer for perfection and wait it out. let it cook to the perfect temperature so that when you cut it open, it seeps steam and the smell is so good it makes your mouth water. and eating it is the best thing ever. thats what parenthood should be like. the best thing ever.
So its okay to wait. Not forever, because then that would be a mistake. dont put it off for selfish reasons or just because. Put it off only if you know and you know your heavenly father knows, that you are doing it so that when you can have a child, you can be the best parent you can be. to raise the child the best way you know how and in the way your heavenly father wants you to.
so to all those people that pressure you to have kids. i say stop listening. because in the end, when they are crying and wondering what went wrong, you can sit back and know that you made the right decision for you.
But i really feel like the most important thing was what we talked about on Wednesday.
We were talking about when it was right to have children and when it was right to wait.
I must admit i was only partially listening to the lesson because my mind was somewhere else stressing about finals and all the things i needed to be doing, so i wasn't really doing that well of a job.. but then i over heard something that really bugged me.
They were talking about how you shouldn't wait to have kids. i was thinking in my head.. "who the heck's business is it to say when you should have kids or not?!" people in the class were saying dont wait because thats what we were sent down here to do. procreate. Thats why we are married is to raise children. And listening to this just frustrated me so much.
There is no need to rush things. being up here at BYUI there is so much pressure to do everything so fast. So much pressure to move to the next stage of life and the next one right after that. Its scary and a little annoying. Before we can add someone else into our lives, like a husband or a wife, we have to live a life that prepares us to be a good spouse. Go through experiences that make us into worthy temple recommend holders, that makes us strong enough to withstand the trials that arise through mariage and the responsibilities of growing up. YOU have to grow up. so that is why you need to wait to get married until you are ready. not when other people are ready or when they say you should be ready, but when you feel it in your heart that you are enough of a self driven person, that you can add someone into your life and not lose yourself.
the same goes for having a baby. it is such a huge responsibility raising a child. because it is not your own. it is heavenly fathers. and he is placing his trust in you to raise the child right. to care for him or her. to teach him or her and to love him or her whenever they need it. And to do all of this, you must be in the right place in your life to provide it all. You cant be so swamped in college that you wont be able to finish your degree or you wont be able to watch your child all the time. you cant be working from morning to night to make rent and stress about who is going to watch the kid all the time. You cant be in the middle of deciding where you are going to live and what you are going to do with your life and then decide to add another life onto that. Its unhealthy. become stable. become responsible. become ready. its just like food. you cant take it out just because you are hungry right then. its still not going to be ready. sure you can put it in the microwave, maybe be willing to eat it a little raw or a little cold. but whats the good in that? wait late.. its burned or soggy while sitting out. either way, its not good to wait too long or take it out too early. You gotta set the timer for perfection and wait it out. let it cook to the perfect temperature so that when you cut it open, it seeps steam and the smell is so good it makes your mouth water. and eating it is the best thing ever. thats what parenthood should be like. the best thing ever.
So its okay to wait. Not forever, because then that would be a mistake. dont put it off for selfish reasons or just because. Put it off only if you know and you know your heavenly father knows, that you are doing it so that when you can have a child, you can be the best parent you can be. to raise the child the best way you know how and in the way your heavenly father wants you to.
so to all those people that pressure you to have kids. i say stop listening. because in the end, when they are crying and wondering what went wrong, you can sit back and know that you made the right decision for you.
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